Jokes
A piece of string walked into a pub and asked for a pint of bitter, to which the landlord replied ''no, we don't serve strings in here.'' So the string walked out of the pub, tied itself in a knot, frayed its head, went back into the pub and called for a pint of bitter. ''Are you that string who was in here a minute ago?'' the landlord asked. ''No,'' the string replied, ''I'm a frayed knot.''
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A man walks into a pub, on his way in he skids on a pile of dog's mess and nearly falls over. He looks down indignantly and, shaking his head, wipes it off on the door mat. Five minutes later, another bloke walks in and does exactly the same thing. "I just did that," the first bloke says to his from the bar. The second bloke walks over and whacks him, knocks him to the floor and says, "You dirty bastard!"
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Man walks into an empty pub with three ducks under his arm. He puts them on the bar and asks for a pint of beer. The Landlord pulls him a pint and takes his money. Straight away the bloke says "thanks mate, I'm just nipping to the toilet, keep an eye on the ducks for me will ya?" The Landlord says "yeah no problem" and off he goes. So the landlord is looking at these ducks, and they're looking at him... Eventually he says to the first duck "hi, what's your name?" The duck says "Huey" "how’s it going Huey, did you have a good day today?" The duck says "well yeah, as a matter of fact, it was a nice cold wet day today - and I've been in and out of puddles all day" The Landlord says "well that's great, I'm glad to hear it". Then he looks at the next duck and says "What's your name"" "My name's Duey" he says. "And how's your day been today?" "Pretty bloody fantastic as it happens" says Duey, "I've been swimming in the lake, running around and in and out of puddles all day!" The landlord thinks this is great, and says to the last duck "let me guess, your name is Louie right?" The duck says "No, my name is Puddles, and don't fucking ask!"
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Girl walks into a pub asks for a double entendre The barman gave her one
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Scotsman, Englishman and Irishman walk into a pub Barman says 'Is this some kind of a joke'.
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Bear walks into a pub says can I have a gin ........................................................and tonic barman says what’s with the big paws
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This white horse walks into a pub and asks for a pint of lager. The barman looks at him and says, "'Ere, we've got a whisky named after you." The white horse looks confused and says, "What - Dobbin?"
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A man walks into a bar and hears piano music. He looks at the piano and can't see anyone sitting there, so he walks over and discovers a foot-tall man standing on the piano bench playing away. The man thinks this is strange so he goes over to the barman and asks where the little bloke came from. "Here," says the bartender, handing the man a lamp, "rub this." So the man rubs the lamp and out comes this genie. "What do you wish for?" asks the genie. "A million bucks," the man states, quite sure of himself. "Granted." And the genie claps his hands and disappears back into the lamp. The man looks around, checks his wallet but can't find a million bucks anywhere. Just that moment, a million ducks fly through the bar. Astounded the man says: "Hey! I didn't ask for a million ducks!" "Do you think that I asked for a 12 inch pianist?" replies the bartender.
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A man rushes into a bar, orders the four most expensive 30-year-old single malts in the house and has the barman line them up in front of him. Then without pausing, he quickly downs each one. "Whew," the barman remarks, "You seem to be in a hurry." "You would be too if you had what I have," the man replies. "Why, what do you have?" the barman asks sympathetically. "Fifty pence."
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A plate of Bacon and Eggs walks into a pub. The barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast."
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Man walks into a pub and the barman says to him, "Mate, you've got a steering wheel down your pants. That must be painful." The man replies "Yeah, it is. It's driving me nuts!"
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Man walks into a pub with a roll of tarmac under his arms and says, "Pint please, and one for the road."
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A man walks into a pub with a giraffe on a lead. "I'll have a pint of Guinness" says the man "and ten pints for the giraffe". The man then starts to down his pint in one go. The giraffe, seeing this, starts banging down the ten pints like there was no tomorrow. The race is on! The man gets half way down and the Giraffe's only on number four. Then, with an amazing burst of speed, the giraffe just manages to scrape ahead. But on pint number ten the giraffe gets half-way, then falls off the bar stool, and passes out on the floor. The man promptly finishes his pint and starts to leave. "Hey," says the barman "you can't leave that lyin' there!" Says the man: "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe."
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Two hundred years ago one of the commentators of the day described the pub as the "primordial cell of British life". We might spend a lot of time at home and at work, but the pub is where we go to enjoy ourselves. It's where life actually happens.
But it's not quite right. All that booze flowing around means that life in the pub sometimes takes on a slightly surreal quality.
No surprises then, that the pub provides an enduring focus for some of the best jokes in the English language.
Send in your favourite pub jokes - funny ones only please - the dafter the better.
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